Composition 34 ボヴァリー夫人



We were in the anteroom. Our principal came in, trailed with 'Newcomer' and a servant. The Newcomer wore not our school uniform but plain cloth. The servant was holding a large classroom desk. Some guys were dozing, but they became awake. We were surprised by the sudden comers and interrupted our self-study. All of us stood up like a reflex.
The principal gestured for us to sit down. He turned his head to our proctor and whispered, "Roger, take care of this student. He joins the second grade. If both his result and conduct are sufficient, I will shift him to the upper grade according to his age."
The Newcomer was staying behind the door, so we could not see him well. He seemed to be rural. He was around fifteen years old and taller than all of us. His hairstyle was bowl cut like a member of a choir in a pastoral. He looked sensible and very embarrassed. Though he didn't have broad shoulders, the cloth was small for him. His jacket looked tight, and the red wrist of his shirt peeped from the cuff. His legs in the blue sox stuck out from the yellowish trouser braced by the suspender. His feet were in the sturdy shoes with rivets, but those shoes were not polished well.
We start reciting our textbook, which is our daily work. The Newcomer was sitting motionlessly. He didn't cross his legs nor rest his elbows on the desk. He looked too attentive as if he had been listening to a sermon in a church. At two o'clock, the bell rang to notify us of the end of one period. He was in the stillness yet. Our proctor needed to order him to stand up and take part in our line.

そう注意されたのはむしろ最後の段落ですね。引用文の「学課の暗唱がはじまった。彼は説教でも聞くように、足を組むこともせず、肱もつかず」というくだりを訳したら、なぜか monotonous とか repetitive とか they all follow the same pattern と警告されました。正直、私の感覚では何が悪かったのか分かりません。繰り返しが多いというなら、1つ前の段落のほうがよっぽど多かったはずなのですが。日本語と英語では「何を繰り返しと感じるか」がまったく違う、ということなのでしょうか? なお、which is で文を繋いでみたら警告は消えました。



*3:1段落の中で looked を2回使ってしまったことも気になる。ネットの類語辞典で調べてもいい言葉が見つからなかった。